HasidiCult

If you got past the title, good for you! Not many want to hear about my sexually repressed ass. I guess you are one of the weird few.  Growing up in an uptight religious community, I thought little of sexuality. Most of my friends' parents didn't touch in front of the kids- no, not even casual touch. There's this law (or tradition? I don't even know what it's classified as, to be honest) that couples should not touch at all when the woman is on her period, and to prevent the kids from knowing when that was, they don't touch at all. Also, they claimed some crap about PDAs being reserved for the bedroom. As if your hands brushing while passing the salt is a PDA. I know. In that case, I have had many, many affectionate touches with various cashiers. What a whore I am. Who did my parents raise me to be?! So, I had dreadfully little understanding of sexuality. Even though I was sexually abused as a child, I didn't understand what was happening. It felt awful and

Shabbos, the weekly Jewish holiday, should be a day of rest. But for survivors, it can be just the opposite. I was going to write this as an inspiration piece, full of encouragement of how you can keep going and keep Shabbos even when the going is really rough. (Haha, as if.) But then, I thought, to hell with that. Let's be real.  Keeping Shabbos as a trauma survivor is hell. Plain and simple. Majority of my coping mechanisms are melacha ( which is the term for forbidden work on Shabbos), so I can't cope with the tremendous amount of anxiety I feel. Listening to music? Nope. Putting on lotion? Nada. Calling a friend? Can't do that either. Cutting myself? Just kidding. Don't do that anymore. Plus, all of my major traumas happened on Shabbos, so that doesn't help things much. Even just thinking of the day gets me jittery. As a child, I was molested by a predator in the neighborhood who attended the same Shul (synagogue) as my family. He also happens to be a huge donor

Coming from the Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidic community, which is considered to be more "modern" than other communities, people expect that it's easier for me to assimilate and join the secular world. Cue frustrating buzzer noise. WRONG! I am unfortunately woefully ignorant as to how to conduct myself out there- in the big, wide world. Yes, I speak English, which is a plus, but I can't so much as figure out how to buy myself a pair of jeans. Especially not in the midst of this pandemic, when all the changing rooms are closed. (Hit me up in the comments if you've got any tips!) It bewilders me to imagine how the fabric should stretch itself over my ass. Should it be tight? Should it be loose? Some middle ground between the two? I honestly have no clue. I know how to buy skirts, but that's easy. Does the zipper close? Does it cover my knees? Does it match most of my clothes? Okay, great. Mission Skirt Purchase accomplished. But pants are a whole 'nother ballgame.

I promised my friends that my first post would be Hasidic and Jewish pick up lines, so here I am. These may be hilarious and maybe even a little hot, but please don't ever use these in real life! If you want to take things up a notch with your basherte, tell it to them straight. You wouldn't want to throw them off with a kichel reference when they're more of a kishke kind of person. Enjoy these lines designed to make your zivug blush, or at least spit out their p'tcha. 1 . Are you an esrog? Cuz I can't stop examining you. 2 . You must be David and I Goliath, because you seem to have swept me off my feet. 3 . You remind me of a mezuzah... I'm supposed to kiss you, right? 4. On a scale of 1-10, you're hotter than the number of nights of Chanukah! 5 . Have you seen a desert anywhere? Cuz I've been lost in your eyes for what seems like 40 years... 6 . I like you so much, I don't even care if you stack your plates. 7 . I thought apples and honey were swe